Path to My Soul

Have you ever felt focused and just knew you were going in the right direction, only to get blown completely off course? You are not alone. I believe there are souls that love so many things we easily get distracted and led another way. Sometimes we find ourselves back on the path we started on and sometimes we find ourselves on the other side of our soul map.

When I was a little girl I loved animals so much I thought I wanted to be a veterinarian. When I realized that I would see puppies die on my table, I quickly changed my mind. It was a good thing I was not in vet school to figure that one out. I am much to empathetic for that. I cannot seperate my feelings easily and I become whole-heartedly invested in what I am doing. I cry at commercials, okay.

As I got older I was drawn to plants and herbs but I was quickly told how silly homeopathy was by the people in my life. Wanting to make them proud I once again changed my course again. I was so lost and had no direction. For some reason I thought cosmetology would be a good fit so at 18 I went to, what they called in the 80′s, Hair School. I did not last long because I was dating an abusive, possessive a-hole of a boy. I put him before school and lost my place.

Once again I floated around looking for answers. My mom would speak of nursing and so did my dad because his mother was a head nurse. She even taught nursning for a while. His eyes would light up as he spoke of me going to nursing school. I tried it and I was just not fully invested. I could not wrapy my heart around being a nurse, I wanted to be the doctor. Being married to an abusive man at the time there was not way medical school was in my future. So, once again I just decided to be a mom and wife.

I would lie in the field and watch the moon and stars and dream of what I should be. Who was I, what did I want out of life. I was only 22. I was a baby with babies.

I once again became attracted to herbs and holistic remedies. I was called a witch, hippie, and a dreamer. My abusive ex would shoot down my dreams. I was drawn to health and fitness for sure, but just dreamed about it silently.

After escaping my abusive marriage I was free to dream again and try to make a go of something. I tried cosemtology once more and as much as I loved the creativity of it, something was missing. I would work on hair and inside I was screaming how I hated it. I was afraid to admit that I hated it. I did not want to disappoint everyone. I just knew they woudl be so ashamed of me. Before I knew it I was finding reasons not to go to cosmetology school any longer. Any difficult situation I ran into was an excuse to get out. I did not love it. I ran as fast as I could. I was ashamed. I did customer service work for a while.

After being remarried and having 3 more children I was battling weight and I decided to become a personal trainer. I did love it! I almost self-sabotgaed once again though, but this time something different happened. I had a support system. My husband talked me through it and helped me with my self-destruction and loved me all the way to my Associate’s Degree. Then I passed my NSCA exam, which was one of the hardest exams I have ever taken. After the exam, my van got stuck in 2nd gear, but I screamed happily all the way home with tears in my eyes on Interstate 77. I almost blew my van up but nothing was going to ruin the fact that I was a certified NSCA personal trainer. Lisa G, NSCA-CPT.

I did lose weight as a trainer but when I experienced loss in my family I quickly gained the weight back. I beat myself up all over again. But I also realized that being overweight was not about loving to eat that yummy food. It was spiritual for me. I was spiritually starving and trying to feed my soul with food. I could not get full no matter how much I ate, so I ate more. You see where this is going.

I decided to go to SWIHA and I obtained a diploma in Mind Body Wellness Transformation. I now have certifications in transpersonal hypnotherapy, holistic nutrition, and life coaching. I grew so much. My spiritual wings were starting to show. It taught me to dream out loud no matter what anyone thought.

So here I sit tonight after dreaming even more. I have decided to take it a step further and become a Naturopathic Doctor. Why can’t I? It does not have to happen overnight. I will take my time and do it in small steps. I want to make sure I do not overwhelm myself. I am going to go ahead and start training people again using my holistic techniques. It will offer a combination of strength training, hypnotherapy, and life coaching. While I do so I will work with another naturopath to start my new path. I have thought about becoming an ND before but felt I was not smart enough or driven, but I believe my heart keeps brining me back to natural healing for a reason.

I want my family to dream with me and make all of their dreams come true. I think I always worry I will make them pay the price for my passion, but there is not reason we cannot all make our dreams come true. I love them for supporting me.

Just Breathe

We are supposed to move by May 3rd, which happens to be my late Grandmother’s birthday. My 8th anniversary is May 5th. I also have to make it through my daughter’s 7th birthday on April 20th. I know they are just dates, but they are a big deal to me. I also start a new job on Monday and I am so nervous. I was so scared on the day of my interview I almost talked myself out of it, but I did it and I got the job. It is entry level so the pay is not what I wanted, but it is the road to a promotion within the company. I will be able to use some of my certifications with this company in Life Coaching and also help others with home offices to develop workout plans. They only promote within the company so that makes me feel good about going in at entry level. I will be an employee instead of an independent contractor and that means benefits, yay!

I had been getting ready for the new job because I have to set my home office up differently, but needing to move has thrown me for a loop. Searching for a rental feels like a full-time job. We look non-stop and all there are is houses being rented by property management companies. They want so much information on you. You have to have 3-4 times the rent income every month, pet fees, and some even charge a per month pet rental fee. I have two 13 year old calico cats there are like fluffy pillows. I cannot let them go, it would kill them. You also have 50 per adult (my 19 year old included) for the application fee.

My 6 year old cries every time I mention finding a home. Hopefully we find one and she feels at home when we get there. The problem is finding one at the moment. They are all out of my budget and even if I find one in the budget you have to prove income and pass credit checks. We joke about pitching a tent. Honestly it is not far from the truth. My husband and I would do it in an instant if it were not for the little ones. Supposedly we could have cash in the bank, but they want documents. They said we could get a grantor to sign for us, but who are we kidding. We only have us. My husband and I put the care of our 3 small children as a priority and I feel we are penalized because of it. Most people on their death bed wish they spent more time with family and did not work so hard. We try and spend time with children and we are looked down upon. Oh well…I would not trade taking care of my children for anything. If we end up on the street, at least we will be together. Even with a job for a company and being self-employed this is the way it is.

As I was sitting here writing this, my daughter’s water spilled in the work computer I was supposed to use starting on Monday. It is the only one that meets the requirements for my new job. Fingers crossed it still works because there is no way I can get another one.

I have literally been shaking the past week and cannot think. I have never been scared before like I am right now. If it were me and my husband then we would be fine, but when I see my kids, I get scared. I cannot sleep and I cannot function. I feel like I am falling apart. My grandmother always told me, “you can’t squueze blood from a turnip,” and now I know what she meant. If you do not have it, you just do not have it. You cannot make a tree grow money and you just cannot get things out of something that are not there. So, I can only do what I am capable of doing and if that is not enough, it is what it is. I hate that saying, “it is what it is.” What the hell is, is?

I still have not found a place for all of my animals. No one wants a rabbit. They may at Easter, who knows. He is an old bunny and I love him. I have had Deuce, my quaker parrot since 2003 and I am afraid no on will love him like we do. I got one of the kittens spayed, but not the other. Maggie has issues and she does not trust. My husband did his best to get her in a carrier and it was a NO GO. She hid to the point we could not find her and he had to leave or they would not take Maya. So one down, one to go. Hopefully I find them a home. One rental management company wanted 300 per pet deposit and 15 per pet rent a month…WHAT!!!! You already have to pay 50 per adult application fee to even be considered, so imagine doing that for several homes. It makes it next to impossible, so that is where I am with this. If anyone reading this knows what I can do or knows a good landlord who would rent to a nice family who cares about their children and pets, let me know. Back in the day you called the landlord up and if he liked you he rented to you. This is insane today. Of course, we put ourselves in this position. We could have moved over a year ago but thought it best we pay to stay where we were. That just did not work for us. Instead of building our own credit we paid mortgage in someone elses name, we just helped someone elses credit and now we are stuck in the mud.

I have to ask myself why I even write about it. Maybe someone will read and help me find a solution. My husband is trying to get his business going and take care of our family. He cannot take an entry level job because then we will be working to pay someone to watch our children. I want to be in my childrens life so if we must be punished for it, then so be it. Life is a mystery. I will start my new job Monday, hopefully find my family a home and we can be together and Happy.

I just have to wonder, where do peole go when they cannot afford to move? We are not evicted, we can prove we have payed a mortgage every month…so I am LOST LOST LOST.

This Too Shall Pass

I was excited to hear we were going to get snow, the kind you can play in. I thought I prepared for the ice and fluffy white stuff, but I had no idea it was going to be like this. I was fine with the fact we would all be snowed in together and even at the possibilty of losing power. I bought water, candles, and made sure we had food to eat in a power outage. I was ready, not really!

On Tuesday morning I had to see Dr. Matt. I was supposed to see him Thursday, but due to the impending weather, we decided to do it Tuesday. He has been helping me with some health issues. For the past 3-4 months I have not been well and I do not feel the conventional doctors can help me. Dr. Matt did a thermography scan on me and the red was exactly in the areas I am having issues, so I feel he is the one to help me on my journey to good health. He makes sense to me and shares the same beliefs I do on healing. Treat the whole body, not just the symptom. As I was driving to his office a small flurry of snow began, and by the time I was in the office with him it was snowing heavily outside of his window. It was beautiful! On my drive home the roads were only wet and the whole day Tuesday was just enjoyable. I managed to grab a few more last minute items at the store.

Wednesday morning came and it started to snow just as everyone was getting out of bed. This time it was sticking to the roads. Of course, my teenager wanted a Subway sandwich and we told her if she wanted one she had better go now before it gets bad. I decided to ride with her in case she needed coaching on driving in the icy stuff. The roads were a nightmare already and we almost turned around and came back home. I told the girls at Subway they needed to close and get home. On the way back there were already 2 cars in the ditch, one with kids in the back. I wish I could have stopped to help them but then we would have been stranded right there with them. We got home safely and everyone enjoyed a sandwich.
We watched as the snow fell and the kids were ready to get out and enjoy it. We all found our best winter clothes and used storage bin lids to sled down the hill. I even slid a few times and felt like a little kid again. This was the best part of the winter storm. I had no idea it was about to go downhill.

I took Rozie (our black german shepherd puppy) outside to wee wee and she played in the snow just like a puppy should. She was full of energy bounching in and out of the deep snow and chasing the parts that would fly into the air as her big paws scattered it everywhere. She had just eaten before she went out as well as got a treat from the mail lady. It was not long after her fun that she began vomiting. She lost all of her food and then some. My husband has been ill with stomach issues for well over a week (not like him at all) so we thought maybe the puppy had a stomach flu. We were hoping she would get up Thursday and be back to her energetic puppy self, but no luck. She would not eat, bark at the cats, play, or anything a puppy should do. We called the emergency vet, because even the normal vet was closed due to inclement weather. We told them her symptoms and they said to get her there asap. We tried and just could not get out of the neighorhood. I felt so helpless. I had a sick husband and a very sick puppy. I tried everything and nothing has helped her. She is sitting there looking at me with her sad puppy eyes as I write this.

My husband is trying to shovel the car out so we can get her help. As of now, he should be able to get out by noon. The vet is opening at noon as well due to staff not being able to get there and Rozie has the first appointment they have. I just hope we did not lose too much time.
To add to all of it, our heater stopped working in the middle of the night, my 4 year old became ill and the washer did not want to work this morning. We got the washer going, but still no heat. We are hoping to get the puppy to the vet, then we can work on the heater. With all that has gone wrong I had to keep repeating, “this too shall pass.” If not, I fear I would break down into a million pieces and shatter.

On a good note, my small business is trying to grow, but I fear to take it to the next stage would cost a bit so I would have to look into crowdfunding or some other investor type. I have had some small shops interested in my products so I am working on that. I have applied for other jobs to help with everything and just cannot seem to find one. I went through an extensive interview process for one promising company only to find out I did not get the job this week. I cried for about 15 minutes and went through my self-blame issues. I realized the job must not have been the right path and would have taken me away from what I am supposed to be doing. No matter what I do, my husband and children are my main focus.

My husband seems depressed, probably feels the same shame I do. He worked for a company for over 20 years only to be discarded like trash. He has work experience, but no degree. He is hands down the best daddy, much like my grandfather was. But I can tell he is not himself lately. I believe when his father died he became depressed and does not know how to deal with his issues. He numbs out with video games the same way an alcoholic would use acohol and the way I used food. I could easily see him as a lazy gamer who does not care, but I know him so much deeper than that and I will never leave his side. It is hard seeing him trying to put his life back together at 46. He spends endless hours trying to find a new career and support his family. Men feel less than what they are when they cannot provide. He loves us unconditionally and that is what matters to me. I will support him through whatever he is going through the same way he has supported me through my entrepreneur efforts. We both know building a good business takes time, and it seems time is not on our side. I am determined to make it work. I will be the holistic healer and personal trainer I set out to be. I will help so many women one day. Dr. Matt sees it in me and is helping me to get there. There will be no fad dieting, self-shame…only wholesome eating and nurturing your soul through mind, body, and spiritual fitness.

I needed to come here and write and get my stress out. I need to believe the bad will pass and the good will shine through. I need my husband, children, and puppy in good health first. They are my everything.

Through this winter madness I have something to be thankful for and bring sunshine to the craziest of winter storms.
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New Year

I ended 2013 with more peace in my heart than when it began. There were many lessons learned, family lost, and family gained. The year started with the loss of my Aunt Mary and ended with the birth of my grandson Issac. The circle of life moves with us and without us.

2013 was full of pain and suffering, but also full of finding out who I am as a person. I realized that I do not have to allow people into my life that cause me pain and hurt. I do not have to allow anyone to bring negative energy into my space. I never have to allow anyone to hurt me again.

I am devoting the New Year to researching happiness. I know when I feel happy, my heart is full of love, I laugh often, and those around me smile more. I see so many suffering because they are so focused on what they are missing in life. They are always waiting on something and they never fill full, or complete. They try to fill their emptiness with material things and still they feel empty inside. With all the certifications that I hold I decided I want to give myself the title of Happiness Artist. My art will be helping people ti find what it is that makes them happy. Money can never be the answer. I want people to soul search in ways they never thought of before. It will be a fun, heart-filled journey.

I want to end this post with my own Will and Testament. It goes something like this:

I, Lisa G, leave my children all the love my heart contains, the laughter that echoes through time and space, and the part of me they possess inside of them each as individiuals. No material object can ever replace me or the love I have for each and every one of them. If you miss me, place your hand over your heart and you will find me there. I helped create you and bring you to life. I was there when you took your very first breath and these are the things you should hold dear. If material things should ever cloud your mind of the love I had for each and every one of you then you should put it in a pile and burn it to ash. That is about all it is worth if it ever causes you to close your heart to one another. If my soul can look down upon you, I wish to see love, laughter, and moments you will cherish as you too will grow old and perish.
Never remember me thorugh items I possess. I am not jewelry, property, money, or any material item. I am a spirit, a soul and you will only find my love inside yourself. The things that matter most are only the things your spirit can hold.
I leave you with nothing but love, peace, and happiness.

Just remember, if greed shall consume your heart then it consumes the love I gave you. If you turn your back on any of my children, then you do not honor all that I am or ever was.

Money is measurable and can easily leave you, but my love for you is infinite.

I hope 2014 brings everyone more happiness than they could ever dream of.

Good Intent

One thing I learned while in SWIHA was that no matter what people do bad, if you look deeply enough you will find good intent. You must be thinking how could that shoplifter at the grocery store have good intent? Never mind that the person ran out the door with unpaid groceries and there is no excuse for this behavior and it could have been handled differently….this we all know. The part of the exercise in school was to look past the wrong doing and try to figure out why the person did this. We could assume the thief is lazy and does not want to work and wants their food for free, or we could dig deeper. Could he possibly have been turned down for many jobs, spent his last dollar to keep his utilities on and have children at home who have not eaten in days? Who knows. The whole point is, we can assume a thief a terrible person with everything we could possibly imagine in our minds. For me, I would like to think that everyone has good intent somewhere in their hearts. People do not always make the best judgement under extreme stress and do not problem solve the way society would like. This still gives no right for judgement. I will admit, I had a really hard time with this assignment when it was given. I am sure there are some out there with pure evil intent, but I will admit when I looked deep enough, there was something good there.

Recently I was on the opposite side of assumptions and called names from someone who I thought knew me better. They heard something and automatically assumed they knew the details. Instead of calling to talk it over or private message me, they blasted a post on their FaceBook timeline without naming me. When I first read the post I wondered who they were speaking of, because it did not sound like it was about me. The more I thought about it and the more I saw posts over a couple of days the pieces started to come together. Some recent events made me realize that some people spoke about me and my family and no one knew of all the details. Instead of calling to ask us directly, assumptions were made. When I first realized it was about me, I was angry, not my spiritual self where I feel we were all one and love is the answer. I felt hurt, as well as betrayed. After thinking about it for a while, I think the person doing the posting felt hurt and betrayed as well. They thought I was like another person who had entered the family for a short while and completely took advantage of peoples kindness. I am NOT that person and will NEVER be anything like that person.

Basically, we had good intent behind what we were doing and it never crossed our minds that it was something that would upset anyone. I suppose the most horrible thing was that we did not point it out. But, we were not hiding it either.

People say they do not feel equal. The sad part is, maybe the people who you think do not treat you equal do not feel that way. They did not know you felt that way because you never speak up. Just say it, yell it, whatever you have to do to be heard.

I am honestly just sad at how everything has turned up. I look back at pictures and we all seemed happy. We laughed, ate, and seemed to care for one another. I have blocked people on FaceBook and decided to use it primarily for business. I feel some did not deserve to be blocked but I felt humiliated by the posts that were made. If I look for the good in all that has happened I would say I spend much less time on FaceBook and more time with people who are compassionate and care about me. They know that no matter what mistakes I make there is good intent within me. If I really believe I was any of the things the person called me, I would not be able to look in the mirror.

I will never post on FaceBook in hopes the person that it is aimed at will read it. I will not hide behind my timeline and will go directly to the person in question in private to resolve the matter. I felt the way it was handled was unfair and a means to belittle me.

Parents

I was on the phone with my Dad this morning and it made me aware of why parents make the choices that they do. I am not sure I have ever heard my dad cry, but I did today. His wife, my stepmother is in the hospital with 4 blocked arteries and will have surgery on Monday. I found myself comforting the very man that I felt had left me for such a long time. The void I had in my heart always left me feeling like an unwanted child. I carried that void with me throughout life feeling as if I was undeserving of love and commitment. I ask my husband every day if he loves me and plans to grow old with me. I believe I was trying to get reassurance from him based on the void my parents created. I decided that I should not question my husbands love, but rather find out why my parents were the way they are. It is NOT about me, and never was. Continue reading

The Plant at the Holistic Owl Desk

Most people would just think I am a decoration to fill the space in the window by her desk. But I am so much more than that, and I even have a name. She calls me George; not sure why, but that is my name. I remember when she first saw me in the store garden and touched my leaves so gently telling her family I was the one she wanted to take home. I would hang in the gardens and watch other plants being picked as I longed to be part of a family.

I finally found the place I call home by her desk in the window. I have been here for a while and even watched the seasons change more than a few times. Right now the leaves are changing colors and they display such beauty that I have never experienced. She tells me that I will always be green and full of life as she blows across my leaves as a way of saying thank you for the oxygen I provide to her family. She talks to me as if she knows I can hear her, and I can. Every day I look forward to the warmth and light from the sun coming through the window, and on some days she opens the window so I can feel the breeze over my leaves. She even loves me so much that she shares her clean water with me.

I do notice she is at her desk many hours at a time. She looks tired at times and I want to tell her to go and take a much needed break from school and work, even though I love her company. I just want her to take care of herself as she has taken care of me and loved me. Thanks to her, I am the happiest plant alive.

Perfection is…

What does it mean to be perfect? Can anyone really define it? Not everyone finds beauty in the same things. So who is to say there is a perfect woman or man. We all think differently, so does anyone act perfect. The conclusion I am coming to is, perfect is what I accept it to be. No one defines what perfection means to me. To me, I have the perfect husband, the perfect children, and my chosen path is perfect. It is perfect for me!

For a long time, my husband laughs that I am black or I am white, never grey. I was told by a therapist once to find my happy medium. I admit, it needs to be this way or that way and I have a hard time finding balance. But today I realized something for the first time ever. I ate peanut m&ms on my cleanse and I was not mad at myself, nor did I feel guilty…and that to me is PERFECT. It felt so good to be okay with the fact that I did not do everything exactly as outlined. I stepped out of the lines, but I got right back on. Art is not perfect lines, it is someones creative masterpiece and all of the details that only they can add.

I cannot tell you how many times I have started an exercise plan, or a diet, only to screw it up, beat myself up and stop all together. I could tell you lots of reasons I would make a great personal trainer, but then just that ONE reason why I should not would stop me in my tracks. I am a great trainer, and I am a great mom, and a wife. I thought for so long I had to be perfect…someones else’s definition of perfect. But now, I am my definition of perfect. I am okay with eating sugar here and there, skipping a day of exercise because I would rather read a good book, not being a size 2, or 6 even. Yes, I desire to stop eating sugar and to be a size 6, but do I allow myself to think I am a failure because I am not…NO.

I just know I feel I have changed something with my subconscious about my outlook on food and life. I think I have made it all too hard, or unrealistic in the past. Now I keep it simple and try not to stress out about it. Stress can be as bad as eating unhealthy. It wreaks havoc on your body. So calm down and enjoy your life.

Today I was looking at my son, and I just thought of how beautiful he is. The features of his face, the sweetness of his voice and how much I cherish what my love with his dad created. Life is so beautiful and as simple as just sitting in silence admiring your children. When they sleep sometimes I kiss their cheek what feels like a million times, because I know they are growing and changing. I am truly a blessed woman.

I feel perfect…

Creative Dreams

Sometimes I wonder if I am more than one person, because I have so many thoughts that go through my head. There can’t be just ONE person in there. I realize, I am a Creative Dreamer. I have so many visions and dreams that go through my head daily, I have a hard time staying grounded. I want to help people learn to exercise in ways they enjoy, find their life purpose, eat healthy, and I want to make safe products for everyone to use.

After graduating with an Associates Degree in exercise, and an NSCA-Certification for personal training, I created MuscleBug. I wanted to create ways for our children to learn to exercise and make it fun. But then I did not want to leave out adults, we need to play too. I will never grow up, and I miss playing Continue reading

Anti-Cancer

I am on a mission to locate products that are safe for me, my family, and my clients. It seems these days it takes a scientist to read what we are eating or using on our skin. You cannot just trust labels in the stores that say organic, or natural. You have to know how to read the ingredients list and know what it means. You almost need a translator to understand what most of it is. I am going to try and list chemicals that you definitely do not want in your home in the next few days. I am also on the search for safe foods, teas, skincare, etc.

If you have a product in mind you would like to share, email me here Blue at Color My Heart

Here is a video I found interesting about cosmetics. I recently became aware of parabens in my hair and skin care and have made every effort to remove it from my home because it has been linked to breast cancer. So, enjoy this video.